January 29, 2006

Left Unnamed (my favorite person)

At what hours it occurs to me to call you!
I think, 'God I like to be talking to That One right now...'
You have always been there, so I have always had occasion to think that. but it's never a good moment- 2:30 in the morning, that kind of thing.

You called me just the other day- how wonderful!
My day was brightened just by beginning it with your message.
Strange, too, that over the last few nights,
you have had a featured role in my dreams. Out of the ordinary.
It's like, somehow I needed to be connected with you,
and you with me, so somehow one or the other of us
was compelled to re-establish our contact.

Thank God. Or Whomever.
I am glad to have you in my life.

Posted by kati at 02:29 AM

January 10, 2006

Oh fuck *

Quick like a band-aid.
Some things have to be quick like a band-aid.
...even if we don't want to do it that way.

Life speeds by me faster than I can realize,
even when it seems so painfully slow. Especially then.
The hardest things I can imagine are nothing
compared to the one thing that I've never thought of.
So why waste the time with worry?

People are much stronger and much more capable than they believe.
If that idea was empowered in me, in anyone, in more of us,
what then could we be? What couldn't we be?

God I hope my thirties are less anxious than this.

* - this article is titled for the current, apprently *constant* catch-phrase of my currently almost 2-year old hero, Bix Thompson. He rocks. He's a positive guy.

Posted by kati at 11:33 PM

December 22, 2005

Hissing. Cock. Roaches.

It feels as though Christmas has snuck up on me this year- but maybe it does that every year. I've been working in San Jose on the Nutcracker, which while being very Christmas-y, and nearly constant at this point, leaves little time for actual Christmas preparations. I like to think that my eschewing of gift-giving has been long based on some noble principle, not simply my cheap and lazy ass not having it together. But this year I will face the truth. Sorry to you all, my love for you should not be associated with my lack of Christmas presents. For the last 2 years I have worked Nutcracker, and for both years Christmas has been a time where, through one circumstance or other, I have been in a position to re-evaluate my personal worth. Perhaps by having thought too much or too little of myself in a key moment, or by trusting the word of someone who turned out to be less than trustworthy... (why do we do that again?) I've twice ended up nose to nose with a brutal and stinging realization, whether I wanted to or not. There's something about the Christmas season that finds me wondering what on earth I was thinking... Why on earth I'd get into (and out of) a brief, illogical and unrewarding romantic relationship only to come to my senses (or have someone come to theirs) right about now. And part of me is insecure, thinking that it is my lack that brings about my misfortune. That if only I could have been more or less or better or brighter, or warmer or hotter or louder or quieter. If I had known more and said less, or known less and said more, if I could *just* have done that then everything would have been fine. And part of me is angry that my voice can be silenced by another person's unwillingness to listen, or indignant at being ignored before my piece is said. Wanting to scream and break things until I have caused some serious damage and been revenged, I hate the thought of having wanted to be heard by him at all. And part of me is freed by daily discarding what remains of my affections, and regaining slowly what was lost of my self-esteem. Part of me is happy in the knowledge that I have learned something- even if the hard way- and will grow from what I might be able to accept about myself. And just as I believe more and more that I will (one day soon) feel as good about myself as I ever did, I know that what he has ignored and denied in this will still eventually be dealt with at his expense. And I guess that's going to be enough.

Posted by kati at 06:24 PM

November 27, 2005


I seen my homie Tangle
mangle a Bengle tiger.
Either I was dreamin' or I seen him
tryin' to fight a rhinoceros.
Taking hippopotamus hostages, he's the
Macho Head Honcho in a poncho
and galoshes.

...All this, in occelot mosh pits
-talkin' shit.

Posted by kati at 09:29 PM

October 16, 2005


Communications blackout-
language failing, vision blurred.

Please forgive this absence, this abscess;
this growth which seems more like undoing.

Know that I miss the good company most of all,
and will endeavor to make up for lost time...

A lack of lucidity doesn't not mean a loss of love;
but foolishness can cost dearly.
For that, I must still beg your forgiveness and patience.

Posted by kati at 09:03 PM

August 10, 2005

Tomorrow is not promised

and today is all that's left us.

Posted by kati at 11:26 PM

July 14, 2005

Flusterated, to say the least

You know what would mean the world to me?
This is silly, I know, but...

If I have to go to court in SF at some point-
and you have the time, (likely a Monday or Tuesday)
would you come with me? So I didn't have to do it alone?
Just be there. That's all. We'd have coffee.

I avoid my life like the plague because I'm afraid,
and I sometimes find that this can only be overcome
with a stronghold of humanity on which to find footing.

Some assurance -hell, an inkling- of natural goodness,
to flush out the deep and textured oil slicks
of suspicion and malice.

...or maybe that's just me.

Posted by kati at 10:20 PM

July 10, 2005


A tale from my most recent trip to the Marina:

In the bed of my pickup, parked on Chestnut and Scott Streets, were two white plastic bags full of clothes. I had intended to drop these items off at Goodwill, but upon the discovery that they were closed for the evening, I decided to leave the bags overnight. Should someone happen upon the potentially desireable booty and take it - I thought - fine. If not, it would go to Goodwill in the morning.

When I came upon my truck this morning, I found that not only were my bags still safely stowed in the truckbed, there were two, new, *black* trash bags full of sweaters and pants.

Only in the Marina.

also good to note- in front of us in line at the Noah's bagel this morning, a young couple argued about whether or not to take a four-day vacation in Telluride. The girl felt that she was being "guilted into it."

Posted by kati at 04:21 PM

June 28, 2005

Eat shit

This week, by happenstance, I am filling in for the deck manager on the California Shakespeare Festival's production of "Othello."

This means:
I'm dressed in an ill-fitting soldiers uniform,
complete with a beret, a gun belt,
and a pair of shoes easily 3 sizes to large.
(my predecessor is a boy, with large feet)

My job involves:
Cleaning blood off the stage at intermission,
carrying around tables and chairs,
moving light trees back and forth as fast as I can,
and, most notably, trying to place(set) and strike(remove)
an incredibly awkward large brown leather armchair
...which weighs about 65-70 lbs.

Tonight, my first night in costume,
I prepare for the dreaded chair move
(my first onstage entrance of the evening).
I get the thing hoisted onto my shoulder
with all the strength and grace I can muster,
and begin speed-walking from stage right,
the Duke in tow behind me.

I get about 6 steps into the maneuver,
-just far enough to be right in the middle things-
I trip over my ridiculous clown shoes,
and I eat shit.

Down go I, and the chair, in a heap.
I let a four letter word fly on my descent
(which was thankfully inaudible).

Amidst gasps from the audience and worried looks
from the actors witness to my swan song,
I scramble back up,
and use my newfound endorphins-
born completely of public humiliation-
to (with superhero-like might, I'll add)
throw this fucking chair over my shoulder,
get it to it's mark on the stage,
and get the hell out of there.

Totally humiliating.
*This* is why I am not an actor.
This is the kind of thing I don't want to have happening to me.

Posted by kati at 09:29 PM

June 25, 2005

Self sufficient, tonight.

Dinner at "Betelnut,"
a shi-shi, happening, place-to-be restaurant in the Marina.
Good conversation.
A sweet face.

...And fear.
Staring me down.
Over my entree.

Oh god.

Posted by kati at 12:25 AM

More Entries

Left Unnamed (my favorite person) - January 29, 2006
Oh fuck * - January 10, 2006
Hissing. Cock. Roaches. - December 22, 2005
Zooligans - November 27, 2005
gasp - October 16, 2005
Tomorrow is not promised - August 10, 2005
Flusterated, to say the least - July 14, 2005
Sub-marina - July 10, 2005
Eat shit - June 28, 2005
Self sufficient, tonight. - June 25, 2005
3 and 1/2 minutes - June 12, 2005
Life without eye contact - June 07, 2005
Foot tappin' good - June 07, 2005
Time Flies - June 06, 2005
My God, I'm sorry. - May 31, 2005
Stop, thief! - May 29, 2005
Late - May 26, 2005
Intention to Escape from Him - May 25, 2005
For Dave and Katie Vigil - May 22, 2005
Salve me fons piatatus - May 22, 2005
Dog was Star - May 10, 2005
Rub a Dub Dub - May 01, 2005
Unrequited ... - April 13, 2005
We might as well be strangers - April 13, 2005
Cuddle hound - April 09, 2005
Letting the cables sleep - March 03, 2005
Thank you, Carrie - February 02, 2005
For Michele, Kristen, Christine, et al. - January 18, 2005
Wrap the boy in shiny paper - January 13, 2005
Huzzah - December 08, 2004
Gno-man's land - November 17, 2004
Wu Tang is for the children - November 14, 2004
uhh... - November 12, 2004
Partial - November 10, 2004
Is that a fact? - November 08, 2004
so it is - October 27, 2004
Something Smells Good - September 29, 2004
Rocks by the campfire - September 27, 2004
with the left - September 23, 2004
Being poor was not such a drag in hindsight - September 01, 2004
Some really, really bad writing for us all - August 12, 2004
- July 14, 2004
Who's a cheeky monkey? - July 04, 2004
Sneakin' Sally Through the Alley - June 26, 2004
"Ma-Na, Ma-Na" - June 09, 2004
Animal Me - May 26, 2004
It's almost porn! - May 18, 2004
E.xascerbating K.ati's G.nawing neurosis - May 13, 2004
The other kind - May 10, 2004
What's the frequency, Kenneth? - May 05, 2004
In dreams - April 14, 2004
Spring broken - April 09, 2004
Everybody'a gotta learn sometime - April 07, 2004
Cat calls - April 01, 2004
Left, right, wrong - March 31, 2004
The Butterfly - March 25, 2004
Mirror Mirror - March 22, 2004
Photojournalism - March 21, 2004
Gone missing - March 15, 2004
I wuv wearning new fings! - March 12, 2004
Not for Nothing - March 10, 2004
Out of order - March 08, 2004
The one place where Bjorks' swan dress fits right in - February 25, 2004
Disc golf injury #1 - February 16, 2004
And then I woke up - February 11, 2004
White house press room, here I come! - January 28, 2004
Horizon - January 19, 2004
Prince Charming - January 14, 2004
Stop laughin' Tom, you're scaring the kids - January 12, 2004
I am a scientist - January 06, 2004
Over It All Over - December 28, 2003
Dead in the Water - December 27, 2003
A Christmas Conversation - December 25, 2003
Call me Crazy - December 18, 2003
Realize. - December 13, 2003
The Oreo Situation - December 08, 2003
Explain it to me - November 28, 2003
Lean Green Fighting Machine - November 24, 2003
Rocket Man - November 22, 2003
Eu, Gene. - November 20, 2003
Black Ops Sunday - November 10, 2003
Bar maids - November 07, 2003
Phair Weather Fans (pt. 1) - November 02, 2003
Can't go back - October 27, 2003
When you're scared, there are never enough locks. - October 18, 2003
Cate's Fate on a Plate - October 16, 2003
My Mess - October 14, 2003
Hugs on standby - October 08, 2003
Brain leakage - October 02, 2003
The Real Deal - September 30, 2003
Enough Excitement for One Day - September 25, 2003
Washing my hands - September 24, 2003
I'm sorry ... and you are? - September 23, 2003
Drive-thru war zone aviation - September 19, 2003
Little Beach - August 27, 2003
Salt and Glitter - August 24, 2003
I'm the new Berlin Wall, baby - August 22, 2003
No riding the bikes drunk, and no playing with the guns... - August 08, 2003
The horror ... of Seabrisket - August 04, 2003
Wavy Pavement - August 02, 2003
"Get me outta this goddamn wreck" - July 30, 2003
Thanking The Police - June 20, 2003
baseball psychics - June 19, 2003
Ahhhh, yes. - June 09, 2003
Six Straight Hours of Sex on a See-Saw - June 06, 2003
Irrational fear - May 19, 2003
Cake or Death? - May 14, 2003
Brrrrrr...... - May 05, 2003
It's mad I tell you. Mad! - May 02, 2003
Death Comes for Kati - April 28, 2003
They're out there, I've seen 'em. - April 23, 2003
Out of sight, out of mind - April 18, 2003
Figuratively Speaking - April 16, 2003
Hugs, not drugs. - April 10, 2003
Some lovin' - April 04, 2003
Shame on You, Madonna - April 02, 2003
She-Ra; Princess of Power - March 31, 2003
And she's lost it folks - March 27, 2003
Axis Shmaxis - March 26, 2003
The Beach - March 25, 2003
Seeking the Baffler Meal - March 19, 2003
Wife Shopping - March 15, 2003
De calores - March 08, 2003
Sadism, anyone? - March 07, 2003
Apologies Up Front - March 05, 2003
Fighters in the Streets! - January 13, 2003
Small children, Elton John, and acts of sheer lunacy. - January 09, 2003
Art - January 05, 2003
A year's worth of partying in ONE night. - January 01, 2003
Distinguished, with sideburns. - December 24, 2002
"Silence, Peasant!" - December 21, 2002
Don't drink the water - December 18, 2002