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December 24, 2002

Distinguished, with sideburns.

“The hymen is the mythical beast of the century
in this, the Age of the Tampon.”
--Dustin Reed

Does the Christmas Spirit really lessen the numbers of scowls from strangers on the street? Does it really soften the blows of the elbows thrown in a ruthless effort to obtain the last Tickle Me Elmo? Is the Christmas Spirit in you?

I think it was not until this year, right now, that I fully appreciated the beauty that is the annual, 24-hour showing of “A Christmas Story” on TNT. Is it because many conversations of late have touched on this tradition and reminded me? No. For the first time - while reviewing my list of back-to-back family events and the prospect of being trapped in my home without seeing the light of day for nearly 36 hours oh my goodness - I thought to myself “Ahhh, ‘A Christmas Story!’ Kati, when you get home from Christmas Eve Dinner, and are bravely trying to hide your contempt and fear for the innumerable hours that must pass before Christmas Morning and Christmas Dinner will be over, know that there is a light at the end of your tunnel! ‘A Christmas Story' will be on, and on, and on, to serve as a distraction for as many hours as you can possibly be confined to your house. Hooray!” Perhaps there is miracle cure to this Yuletide crisis. Hey…maybe we can turn this thing around? Whaddya say, Wally?!

Ahhh, sweet visions of post-Christmas-Dinner drinking dance in my head. I would wager that’s about 28 hours away.



Oh God…

Posted by kati at December 24, 2002 05:05 PM


thousands just like you are suffering across the nation. maybe we should stage a revolution of some kind.

Posted by: didofoot at December 24, 2002 05:39 PM

At our house, Christmas Eve features "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" and "White Christmas." Both suffer from the audience participation factor. Certain members speak along with the Grinch, like a Squelch editors in front of a Monty Python movie. In "White Christmas," Sean talks in a bad Bing Crosby voice about buttermilk, sandwiches, and how he's at least 20 years older than Rosemary Clooney.

At the end of the night, when I'm desperately wrapping presents in Reynolds' Wrap, it's "The Christmas Story" that is there for me. Maybe I screwed up drawing Santa Claus on Kelly's card for the third time, or maybe I had to take Scotch tape off old wrapping paper to secure Megan's present, or maybe I'm just drunk, sobbing, and soaking wet, but at least Ralphie's brother is still going to be eating like a little piggie and unable to put his arms down..

Posted by: sean at December 24, 2002 05:41 PM

A new and exciting twist this year: I was finally permitted to proudly and publicly indulge in that special something that makes the holidays bearable - hard alcohol. The rest of the family has been doing it for years! After 3 gin & tonics, Christmas Eve dinner seemed much, much better. Now if only this little trick worked at every family event.... hmmm.

Posted by: kati at December 25, 2002 03:27 PM

it DOES work, is the thing. it's beautiful and reliable. even an ordinary afternoon doing laundry with the 'rents can be magically transformed into a party with the addition of the captain m.

Posted by: didofoot at December 26, 2002 09:31 AM

I don't approve of the herein touting of hard liquor.

Bandname herein touting?

Posted by: gene at December 26, 2002 12:31 PM

I disapprove of heroin touting, just for the record.

And, as fun as the gin-and-tonic-and-family-and-Santa combination is, I think Percoset may be the ultimate in pain-and-stress-and-consciousness-relieving holiday chemicals.

Posted by: sean at December 26, 2002 04:38 PM