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January 12, 2004

Stop laughin' Tom, you're scaring the kids

I always knew that there was something wrong with Tom Cruise. Maybe not wrong, per se, maybe peculiar. No, maybe just wrong.

His diminutive stature?
His enigmatic sexual preference?
His unwavering box-office success?
His third front tooth?


It's his deranged, psychotic, serial-killer laugh.
It's most unnerving.

In almost everything I have ever seen Tom Cruise do, ever - be it any/all of his movies, appearances on "Oprah," "Rosie," or the like, late-night, comedic spoofs-of-himself, whathaveyou - he finds an appropriate moment to freak me out with this nutter laugh of his.

You know what it is? It's Tom Cruise laughing too hard. Even when nothing particularly funny is said, he lets loose a ridiculous display: mouth wide open, all three front teeth gleaming brightly, rocking back and forth, slapping his knees. And from the seemingly vast depths of his diaphragm, nay, perhaps even his soul, he unleashes a guffaw of sorts that defies understanding. Forced. Loud. Far too long for whatever his being laughed at.

HA ha ha ha ha ha! HA ha ha! HA HA HA! and so on...

Well, it's weird. Weird and unnecessary. And scary.

If I were a little girl, and a man on the street laughed at me - or really, laughed anywhere in my earshot - in such a way, I would have to do my best to be a brave girl and keep back the tears, as I clung terrified to my mother's pant leg. Even now, I would have a hard time not turning and fleeing from whatever certain lunatic could have produced such a sound.

So why's he doing that? What's with the laugh Tom? It can't be real, can it? Is that your pity laugh? If so, I'd say you can tone it down a touch. Do you just like scaring people with it? Or have you perhaps just lost your mind?

... Um, yeah... it's a little funny that your girlfriend could one day be named Penelope Cruz-Cruise ... but you don't have to keep laughing like that. It's really not that funny. Hey man, stop I'm serious ... you're freaking me out. HEY!

Posted by kati at January 12, 2004 01:11 AM


My Australian friend Brad is a DJ in NYC. He did an interview with Tom during the press junket for "Last Samurai", and the whole thing is filled with forced, over-the-top, near-maniacal laughter. I can send you an mp3 of it, if you aren't too terrified.

The mp3 does not make clear whether Tom spends part of the interview looking like he's about to smile, then maybe not going to smile, and then finally smiling extremely broadly showing each of his 47 teeth.

Posted by: sean at January 12, 2004 10:20 AM

does he really have 3 front teeth? i have never noticed this scary phenom.

Posted by: michele at January 12, 2004 01:31 PM

Sure, send the mp3. I will try to be brave.

Yes, the three front teeth thing is weird and scary. I read somewhere that men with this rare genetic snafu are also rendered sterile. That could be bullshit, but he did adopt both his kids ... so who knows.

Posted by: kati at January 12, 2004 01:44 PM

mcousin had three rows of baby teeth when he was born, like a shark. but they went away.

"she turned me into a newt! but i got bet'ter."

Posted by: michele at January 12, 2004 03:09 PM

Whoa - Jaws style huh? Crazy.
If you've read 'Wicked' -a book about Oz's Wicked Witch of the West and her back story- you'll find out she was born with three rows of teeth too. But she was green. Is your cousin green? If he acts up at Thanksgiving, throw water on him.

Kati- I love you.
"...that NUTTER laugh of his."
This phrase has a wonderful way of associating Tom's face with low quality snack food.

"It would be nutterific if you stopped scaring me Tom."
"HA ha ha ha ha ha!"
"I'm cold."
"Don't tell your father, little child."


Posted by: Mike at January 12, 2004 03:59 PM

hey! west witch was good though. stupid pink sister glenda was bad (and shallow). i wouldn't throw water on a champion of flying monkeys.

Posted by: michele at January 12, 2004 07:43 PM

Nutter butter nutter butter nutter butter nutter butter.

Just thought I'd share with you the entire current contents of my brain.

Posted by: dianna at January 12, 2004 09:27 PM

uuuuummmmmmmmmmmmmm... nutter butter... aaaaaaawwwwwwhhhhhhhh...

Posted by: Alan at January 12, 2004 11:56 PM

Just to be fair here, kids -
I did not actually write "that Nutter Butter laugh of his," though I can see how such an association is made. They're good cookies. I won't deny it.

But we must keep it under wraps. We can't afford to start Tommy here off laughin' again. He'll laugh at anything, I tell you. Anything.

Posted by: kati at January 14, 2004 01:06 AM

No - wicked witches SISTER was a great gal!
That little brat, Dorothy, flew a house onto her and then stole the family shoes!
(Which "WWWest" wouldn't wear *n-e-ways* but it's the whole principle, ya know?)
Glenda was, like, the most popular girl in school - and you werer right on the shallow part.

"What is that? A munchkin?
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haha haaahaha hahahahah ahhahahahahahahhahahahhahaha ah ah ah h ah"

Posted by: Mike at January 14, 2004 04:47 PM

aw crap that's right. man i haven't read that book since...well since a long time ago. =)

Posted by: michele at January 14, 2004 10:03 PM