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March 26, 2003
Axis Shmaxis
Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya,
China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as
Evil," which they said would be more evil than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North
Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address.
Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as
having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are just as Evil...in
their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows
we're the best evils... best at being evil...we're the best."
Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded,
although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. "They
told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. "An Axis can't
have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and
Japan in the evil Axis. So, you can only have three, and a secret handshake.
Ours is wickedly cool."
International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as
within minutes, France surrendered.
Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in
what became a game of geopolitical musical chairs.
Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the "Axis of Somewhat
Evil," forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the "Axis of
Occasionally Evil," while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the "Axis of
Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable."
With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling
up...Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the
"Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host
the Olympics."
Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the "Axis of Nations That Are
Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Some Nasty Thoughts About America," while Scotland, *New Zealand* and Spain established the "Axis of Countries That Be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick." "That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.
While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun
of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in "Guay," accusing one of its members of filing a false application.
Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.
Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately, leaders said that's only because no one asked them.
Axis of Evil Wannabes
by John Cleese
Posted by kati at March 26, 2003 11:58 AM
Comments
So, John Cleese wrote that, not you? That makes me sad, I wanted to be able to attribute the funny to you, although Cleese is the man... even in that god-awful movie, Fierce Creatures.
Posted by: Kristina at March 26, 2003 12:24 PM
Ya, that sucks, you shoulda put the John Cleese thing at the beginning since I had to go through the swing of "whoah I'm so impressed with Nurse V, oh, I'm not impressed, she just has good taste." My head's still spinning.
Posted by: gene at March 26, 2003 12:43 PM
Yes, sadly it is true - I didn't write that good bit of politcal satire.... but I had you going for a while, didn't I? Eh?
At least I get the fleeting satisfaction of momentarily impressing you kids, even if it eventually comes crashing down around my ears in a flood of lies and disappointment. Ah well. C'est la vie.
Also, for the record New Zealanders do *not* put lipstick on sheep. We leave that entirely to the Scotts. We do, however, occasionally paint their hooves - you know, something in a nice pastel for spring.
Posted by: kati at March 26, 2003 02:31 PM