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July 30, 2003

"Get me outta this goddamn wreck"

Sometimes when I hold things in my hand I break them. I don't often mean to do it, but I've noticed it's something that I do. Papers get crumpled, cigarettes crushed, porcelain cracked, feelings get all bent out of shape. Maybe it's a gift.

I'm in a funny place right now. A place where I have nothing to do, except simple things like sleeping, feeding myself and remembering to brush my teeth. Before I was here, I was in a place where I had many things to do, and I did them all. The little things never even seemed to pop up, and I forgot to think of them. Now I listen to my stomach growling and stare into the mirror with sleepy eyes, while toothpaste drips slowly down onto my hand. I don't try to clean it up. I don't notice it for hours.

I'm moving away soon, taking my three-ring circus on the road to terrorize someone else's neighborhood. I'm tempted to run away from this idea, to go and hide behind a younger version of me, or hold myself under water until I am mentally unable to live alone, but something stops me. Just can't make a commitment, I suppose.

I don't really like the idea of having to face up to myself, pack up my shit and go (which is the plan). I don't want to have to make the choices about what unnecessary emotional baggage I'll take with me, and which beautiful people I'll have to leave behind. So I'm resisting it. The resistance will do absolutely no good. I know this. My life will soon be different and I can either suck it up and enjoy it, or wallow and be miserable. Maybe I can just pack up the people and take them with me, and dump all that "baggage" somewhere on the 5. Hmmmm. Maybe not.

Some things won't change, though, which is a comfort. I'll still break stuff. I'll still knock around into things and lose my balance for no reason. There will still be a trail of cellophane and hair clips lingering after me wherever I go. I'll still get to be a Big Messy Brown-Haired Girl, and I'll still be ok with that. I can hope, at least, that I'll still be me.

Posted by kati at July 30, 2003 03:35 PM


You will still be you. And I wouldn't want it any other way.

Even if you can't pack people into whatever miniscule space is left in that truck of yours, we will visit. We always do. Have faith.

Posted by: gene at July 30, 2003 03:49 PM

frances mayes says "the choice of place is the choice of something you crave." so what is it you are craving?

Posted by: didofoot at July 30, 2003 04:37 PM

kati v., i randomly stopped by the site so fondly named after our pre-school alma mater. i do enjoy reading what you have to say and this particular entry comforted me in a very deep way. i just spent a few hours shedding tears with some close friends over the change and flux that is life. somehow it gives me hope to read that you too are at an odd turn on your path and that you can articulate it so well. i root for dumping your baggage along the 5 somewhere between harris ranch and the grape vine. i've passed along there so many times that i am sure i have left more than volvo exhaust and ash from a cigarette or two.

Posted by: ivette at July 31, 2003 01:04 AM

I agree. Dump that shit. Moving is always an opportunity to reinvent yourself, make your life what you want it to be, and that includes getting rid of anything that's holding you back from being and doing what you want. You know that you'll be able to keep in touch with your friends because visits will be made, IM's will be sent and I'm sure you'll be blogging plenty. You'll be fine down there, among friends and truly free for the first time in your life. Cherish it, don't dogg it ;)

Posted by: Kristina at July 31, 2003 08:15 AM

Ivette, my darling - it was so good to see you here. I appreciate your confidence more than you can imagine. I expect that life will continue regardless of my concerns, as will the unsettling flux that comprises it.
Kristen - Mayes/you make an interesting point. Maybe what I am craving is the knowledge that I can get by on my own, but it's being held down by the fears I have that I can't. Perhaps the place I have chosen is not as specific as "San Diego" but really more along the "anywhere away from here" lines. Maybe that lack of safety and security is what I am craving, in some twisted way. yikes.
kristina - you're right, I should stop stressing myself out and enjoy what is coming. I wish I had a little more faith in myself that I won't fail.
Gene - thanks. I needed to hear it. Faith faith faith.

Posted by: kati at July 31, 2003 02:39 PM

Kati, I know you'll do fine on your own, although everyone has a mis-step once in a while, they are to be learned from. And remember, you're living with Robyn and Ash, two of the best people in SD right now, I'm sure. They'll take care of you if you get into dire straits. You're going to have FUN, love!

Posted by: cody at July 31, 2003 02:49 PM

"Yeah man. Hang your balls out there."
-Kinko's guy, Jerry MaGuire

Posted by: Mike at August 6, 2003 05:02 PM