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January 14, 2004

Prince Charming

"And what do you do?
Oh you're a plummer! What on earth is that?"

Some people have made the connection that the English royal family likes to well, inbreed. And that this has resulted in the bizarrely frumped-up monarchy that England has enjoyed since the tyrannical hijinks of Henry VIII.

And it's not really just that the royals are moderately brain-damaged, eyes blank like sheep. It's also the ugly thing. The unfortunate horse-face effect of the genetic similarities.

Until now ...

I think that most people would agree with me that Prince William is an attractive man. Even guys feel me on this. He may not turn you on, but if you're looking from an objective standpoint: Tall, toothy, symmetrical, charming smile, rich as all Christendom. what's not to like?

And let's not forget Harry. Sadly, he does look a bit more like Charles, but he's got character, and he's spunky. You gotta admire a spunky royal.

And all it took was a little shake-up in the royal inbreeding pattern. As dopey as poor Charles is, was, and will be forever, he had to good sense to marry a cute and charismatic teacher from Somewheresbourough, England. At least he married her long enough to produce a couple of non-retarded heirs to the royal throne. Granted, Diana was pretty spectacular in her own right. England dug her. So did my New Zealand mother. So did I.

But hooray for the princes, say I! They may well already be spoiled to absolute apathy, but they've got the good looks to get by while they wait to reign.

I mean, Harry will never reign. I don't think he wants to anyway. He's having fun being the black sheep. William actually has responsibilities - and likely the lion's share of the royal Guilt - and has to behave himself. Harry gets to have fun. He may even be gay, who knows. (Prince Harry publicly coming out to all of Britain on the BBC might be the only way there is to actually kill the current queen and get the crown moving again.)

So I propose another shake-up. Make even better, even cuter, even less retarded Super Royals!

I'll volunteer if I have to. I'll do my duty for the sake of England. Looking at the evidence, how could I refuse in good conscience. it's the next logical step.

I mean, it's not rocket surgery.

Posted by kati at January 14, 2004 03:40 PM


A devastatingly handsome, rich-as-Midas, inbred man is still an inbred man.

Posted by: sean at January 14, 2004 06:07 PM

But the princes William and Harry are only halfway inbred. They're like indoor-outdoor princes.

Posted by: dianna at January 14, 2004 06:13 PM

Does half-inbred mean you have only eleven fingers and toes, instead of twelve?

Posted by: sean at January 14, 2004 06:20 PM

William is hot, thanks to his hot mother. I agree with Kati, Diana has saved the royal family from future ugly, retarded generations by injecting some hot genes in there, and also by being a "common" Lady... so that it'll be OK for William to marry a non-cousin of his... as long as she's a Lady from a good English family, which sadly puts my friend Kati out of the running. Sorry to smash your dream Kati.

Posted by: Kristina at January 15, 2004 09:34 AM

I beg to differ, my dear! Thanks to my NZ mom, I'm still a citizen of the British Isles, or a principality thereof. I could still count. dammit, I could!

Posted by: kati at January 15, 2004 01:37 PM

Ok, so even if you are a citizen, where you gonna get your title from? i guess you could marry some old Lord who's on his way out and then work your way up to the prince... On another subject, how about coming out drinking tonight (Thursday)?

Posted by: kristina at January 15, 2004 02:37 PM

Princess Di's dad was a count. She and Charles met at some kind of summer polo/crumpet/antiquated system of government camp for rich people, I think.

God bless Princess Di, and her heartfelt commitment to good genes, shopping, and celebrity friendship. R.I.P.

Posted by: sean at January 15, 2004 04:41 PM

She never could spell, though. You might think she'd eventually get her own name right, but no.

Posted by: dianna at January 15, 2004 06:01 PM

princes di was a royal and there marrage was aranged by the late queen mother it is still inbreeding

Posted by: d at January 19, 2004 11:35 AM

I'm surrounded by killjoys! Can't a girl just close her eyes to the truth sometimes if it makes life prettier? Can't she at least have that?

Kristina, I'm still counting on you to help find me an aging British lord so I can get my foot in the door. Divorced = no good. Widowed = acceptable. Keep a watchful eye.

and d, I'm onto your little rouse, but glad to see you. Excellent subterfuge.

Posted by: kati at January 19, 2004 01:13 PM