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July 30, 2003

"Get me outta this goddamn wreck"

Sometimes when I hold things in my hand I break them. I don't often mean to do it, but I've noticed it's something that I do. Papers get crumpled, cigarettes crushed, porcelain cracked, feelings get all bent out of shape. Maybe it's a gift.

I'm in a funny place right now. A place where I have nothing to do, except simple things like sleeping, feeding myself and remembering to brush my teeth. Before I was here, I was in a place where I had many things to do, and I did them all. The little things never even seemed to pop up, and I forgot to think of them. Now I listen to my stomach growling and stare into the mirror with sleepy eyes, while toothpaste drips slowly down onto my hand. I don't try to clean it up. I don't notice it for hours.

I'm moving away soon, taking my three-ring circus on the road to terrorize someone else's neighborhood. I'm tempted to run away from this idea, to go and hide behind a younger version of me, or hold myself under water until I am mentally unable to live alone, but something stops me. Just can't make a commitment, I suppose.

I don't really like the idea of having to face up to myself, pack up my shit and go (which is the plan). I don't want to have to make the choices about what unnecessary emotional baggage I'll take with me, and which beautiful people I'll have to leave behind. So I'm resisting it. The resistance will do absolutely no good. I know this. My life will soon be different and I can either suck it up and enjoy it, or wallow and be miserable. Maybe I can just pack up the people and take them with me, and dump all that "baggage" somewhere on the 5. Hmmmm. Maybe not.

Some things won't change, though, which is a comfort. I'll still break stuff. I'll still knock around into things and lose my balance for no reason. There will still be a trail of cellophane and hair clips lingering after me wherever I go. I'll still get to be a Big Messy Brown-Haired Girl, and I'll still be ok with that. I can hope, at least, that I'll still be me.

Posted by kati at 03:35 PM