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October 27, 2003

Can't go back

It's raining in Baltimore. The air is crisp and chilled and it has been raining non-stop. I was supposed to be in San Diego right now, but because of the emergent state of Southern California right now, my flight has been cancelled. I can't believe what I am hearing from everyone I live with, and when Kelly called me yesterday in a state of total panic because she feared evacuation, I was totally stunned by the severity of what was going on so near to my home. It is unclear when I'll actually be allowed to fly home, or what will await me when I do. At present, I'm still in awe of the surreal disconnection I feel - half of me wishing I was there to help or be with my extended roomie family, and half of me relieved to be so far away. I'm thankful for the benevolence of my connections in Baltimore, and am just waiting and watching, the whole country between me and my home.

Posted by kati at 08:16 PM

October 18, 2003

When you're scared, there are never enough locks.

After movie-hopping for half a day, she decided to escape her last film through the fire exits at the front of the theater. Nobody frequented these exits, so she knew she would not encounter any employees who might be onto her rouse. What she didn't realize, however, was that her "escape" would prove to be an actual one.

As soon as the theater door clicked closed behind, her she had an uneasy feeling. Dimly lit halls stretched out on both sides, and the path in front of her marked "Exit" curled around to a very long stairway with no visible door. The air was stuffy. She noticed that the halls were silent, no movie sounds audible through the walls. She told herself that it was only the unsettling film she'd just watched that had her a little on edge, but just for her own peace of mind she turned back to try and exit through the theater like everyone else. Just as she feared, though, the door was locked. Not really sure of which way to go to get out, she walked to the right. Passing another theater she halfheartedly jiggled the handle, but already knew it would not be of use to her.

She was still holding onto the handle of that second door when she heard someone come out into the hallway from her theater. Instead of being able to follow him out of the maze, she noticed immediately that he wasn't moving at all. She quickly glanced over to see a big man, in a red shirt and black hat, staring her down. Now she knew there was cause for fear. He had seen her leave alone through the fire exit, and had come out after her. And just as she realized this, she also realized that he might be standing between her and the only exit.

"Hey," he called out to her. She turned away silent, not wanting to engage him, and began walking briskly away.
"Hey," he called again, "Hey sweetheart! Where you going?"

As soon as she heard him speak again her pace increased considerably. Even more so when she heard him start to walk after her. He didn't call out again, just followed in silence.

Her heart racing, she glanced back just in time to see him break into a run. With that, she took off. She didn't know where she was going or if she was even running toward an exit, but at that point she was not going to stop. She rounded one corner and took off down another hallway - able to hear him still behind her but not daring to waste time looking. Another turn revealed a long stairway, which she ran down as fast as she could. She was breathing hard, and could hear his panting close behind her. She slammed through door at the bottom of the stairs and flew out into the dark. She was in an alley behind the movie theater.

There were no people, only a parking garage up ahead. As she heard him catch the door behind her she continued running - and started screaming like a mad thing. She just kept running and screaming until she got closer to the parking lot. She glanced again over her shoulder to see her would-be assailant take off down the alley the other way. Still, she kept running, the screams almost involuntary. As she neared people, and began to get some strange looks, her pace slowed. She finally stopped running and turned to see the man rounding a distant corner into the dark.

Two security officers pulled up in a golf cart. Still gasping for breath, she told them only that she was alright, and apologized for the screaming. For some reason, she didn't tell them what was going on. She wasn't thinking. She didn't really know what she was doing at that point. Her chest ached, her legs were burning, and she could feel her heart pounding beneath her ribs.

It wasn't until after the golf cart sped away that she noticed where she was - or rather that she didn't know where she was. Her car was in another garage at the opposite end of the huge, labyrinth-like plaza. She walked speedily back through the complex, glancing nervously at every red shirt she passed and fumbling with her phone. After what seemed like hours, she reached her car. She steadied her shaky hand and opened the door. Jumping in and locking the door quickly behind her, she dissolved into hysterical, shuddering sobs.

A few minutes later, her composure regained, she turned on her car with her radio up full blast, and drove home in a daze. It was unreal.

Posted by kati at 09:51 PM

October 16, 2003

Cate's Fate on a Plate

It's my personal opinion that this is going to be a big year for Cate Blanchett. I am very excited to get down to the cinema tomorrow and check out her portrayal of Veronica Guerin, someone who's story I respect as that of a truly courageous person. I was so excited to: a. see a preview of the film, and b. learn that my girl Cate would be playing this crazy Irish woman.

Besides "Veronica Guerin," Cate has a couple other films on the horizon which include a vignette movie with Roberto Benigni and Steve Buscemi called "Coffee and Cigarettes," as well as a movie called "The Missing" with Tommy Lee Jones. Lest we forget, of course, she will also make an appearance as that semi-frightening Super Elf in the third installment of "The Lord of the Rings."

I think Cate Blanchett needs an Oscar. She was overlooked for her ridiculously good performance in "Elizabeth," and I think her time is fast approaching. I think she is so talented that I can even forgive the fact that she spells her name with a C. ... Blech!


Ashley: "What accent *can't* that woman do perfectly?"

Word, Ash. Word.

Posted by kati at 12:21 PM

October 14, 2003

My Mess

"And I don't believe in God
So I can't be saved
All alone as I've learned to be
In this mess I have made..."

Something changed over in my brain recently. There was a noticeable shift in my own perception of me. Instead of just thinking thoughts that blur together in my head, I can actually hear myself thinking. It's like there's someone else in there. It's linear, logical. I could potentially be conversing with myself. I stop myself mostly because I feel like it's a slippery slope to total schizophrenia if I continue down that road too far.
Sometimes I notice my brain leaking out my ear. It's quite a bother to try and get it back in. All that hopping on one foot, hitting myself in the head. I occasionally wonder if it's really worth the effort. Sometimes I stop trying altogether. It's such a bother sometimes. Such a mess.

Life is messy. Brains are messy, too, but you only really notice that when they come out. Inside, you can pretend that they are tidy.

The new person in my head seems quite agreeable. Gets a little negative sometimes, though. I'm not sure if I am quite ready to share the space yet. Maybe we can work out some sort of timeshare. I'll be there for half the time, and then vacate and she can run the place for the rest of the time. Or maybe I'll just pile all my neurosis on her and scare her away. Maybe she'll take them along.

Or maybe I'll keep her. Maybe when I'm old an alone I can look back at the times when I was young and alone, and think on how I was always crazy enough to have people in my head. And laugh a truly crazy laugh. One that takes years and years of nutcaseness to really get right. And pet my cats, and talk to the other people who live in my head with me. There will surely be more by then.

By then I can hope I'll be too insane to even notice things like happiness or sadness. Maybe I won't notice anything outside me at all, being so preoccupied with the mental neighborhood I will have created. Three cheers for adult diapers, I suppose.

...What's that super kitsch saying that old ladies always have hanging on something ceramic in their kitchens: "God bless this mess" or something like that? Fucking ridiculous if you ask me.

I'll get one of those.

Posted by kati at 01:43 PM

October 08, 2003

Hugs on standby

Someone who recently attended a Cal Shakes (California Shakespeare Festival) party with me remarked that there was "a lot of hugging. About an hour of hugging" toward the end of it. I heard that, and it got me thinking - there *is* an awful lot of hugging. Not just at the end of any given event, but at the beginning, in the middle, and often for no reason at all.

el and beans.jpg

It seems as though we just can't keep our hands of each other. We are always hugging. Short hugs, long hugs, drunk hugs, sober hugs, happy hugs, sad hugs. Hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs. All the time with the hugs.

liz and me (rotated).jpg

Fact is: I love it. I've come to appreciate these people and their hug-happiness. It's brought out the hugger in me as well. Like Didofoot's Nation of Me, I have often shied away from unsolicited hug attacks, but there is no embargo on the free-trade of hugs here. Imports from these Pro-hug nations, and exports, are unequivocally welcome.

And sometimes a gal needs a snuggle. Sometimes she likes having another human rest their head on her shoulder. This gal, for one, likes that she knows right where to seek it out when I little snuggle-lovin' is necessary. Hugs aplenty.

The Family Shot.jpg

There are some people who I have not met at Cal Shakes who I also enjoy hugging. I know some excellent huggers. I'm talking skills, here. I think I'd really just like to be hugging the people I want to, whenever the mood strikes. Sadly, though, I live a solid 800 miles away from a hug. I did my best to make up for it on my last trip home - refill my hug reservoir. I happily leaned against a back that I'd been missing, and tugged on the collective sweatshirt strings of those I wish I could still see everyday. Now I can have some hugs on reserve for when I need them, in this: the hug-free land I now call home.

This was a non-Cal Shakes hug, but certainly one for the files! I'm grinning like an idiot and he's making his Sexy Picture Face. Love it! Rrrrraaar.


Posted by kati at 01:15 AM

October 02, 2003

Brain leakage

My roommate BJ and I attend the same Environmental Biology class. In it, there is 1. the ugliest human being I have ever seen, (and I'm not trying to be cruel here, it's just quite true and rather sad. Nature and ... some other force conspired very, very harshly against this girl) and 2. the most annoying woman I have ever heard. She's one of those I've-already-been-to-school-so-act-like-I-know-everything-and-really-act-like-a-total-jackass kind of women. She is excruciatingly irritating.

Anyway, my point being: Instead of taking notes, BJ did a little free-association writing in his notebook, kicked off by another of this moronic lady's inane comments, and including some randomness from the actual biology lecture. The following is a transcription of BJ's "notes" (be warned, contains some profane language, well ... more than I usually use):

"Tell her to SHUT UP!! Please?

How clean is clean? Well... can you eat your food off of it? No? Well then it's dirty you dumb rumpled up fuck head. I'm not listening. I'm ACTING like I'm listening. I'm pulling it off, too. I must be the best actor that ever took a biology class. John Muir smells like SHIT. my shit smells like shit. I think Miguel farted and it smells like shit. Regional Water Control Board (RWCB) sucked my dick yesterday. It wasn't very good. The water deal fell through and so on and so forth you bastard child. I'll sell my sweat for $20 an ounce.

Fried chicken would be some good eatin right now.

Babies are so vulnerable. Poor little fuckers.

HAHA! FUCK YOU! (to lady, after another stupid comment and a forced laugh)
That lady is fat. And then they all DIE!

The reason why the population went up so fast is because the babies weren't dying. They had better sanitation and didn't have to live with buckets of shit next to their food box. The answer to over population? BIRTH CONTROL!!!"

And that is all, folks. Thanks to BJ for giving me the rights to the regurgitations of his demented brain.

Also, I contend that *I* am the best actor to take a biology class, well actually a history class. I had my headphones on all day and I don't think anyone knew, not even Ashley right beside me. I even asked questions and everything.

Posted by kati at 11:23 PM