November 2005 | Main | January 2006 Â
December 22, 2005
Hissing. Cock. Roaches.
It feels as though Christmas has snuck up on me this year- but maybe it does that every year. I've been working in San Jose on the Nutcracker, which while being very Christmas-y, and nearly constant at this point, leaves little time for actual Christmas preparations. I like to think that my eschewing of gift-giving has been long based on some noble principle, not simply my cheap and lazy ass not having it together. But this year I will face the truth. Sorry to you all, my love for you should not be associated with my lack of Christmas presents. For the last 2 years I have worked Nutcracker, and for both years Christmas has been a time where, through one circumstance or other, I have been in a position to re-evaluate my personal worth. Perhaps by having thought too much or too little of myself in a key moment, or by trusting the word of someone who turned out to be less than trustworthy... (why do we do that again?) I've twice ended up nose to nose with a brutal and stinging realization, whether I wanted to or not. There's something about the Christmas season that finds me wondering what on earth I was thinking... Why on earth I'd get into (and out of) a brief, illogical and unrewarding romantic relationship only to come to my senses (or have someone come to theirs) right about now. And part of me is insecure, thinking that it is my lack that brings about my misfortune. That if only I could have been more or less or better or brighter, or warmer or hotter or louder or quieter. If I had known more and said less, or known less and said more, if I could *just* have done that then everything would have been fine. And part of me is angry that my voice can be silenced by another person's unwillingness to listen, or indignant at being ignored before my piece is said. Wanting to scream and break things until I have caused some serious damage and been revenged, I hate the thought of having wanted to be heard by him at all. And part of me is freed by daily discarding what remains of my affections, and regaining slowly what was lost of my self-esteem. Part of me is happy in the knowledge that I have learned something- even if the hard way- and will grow from what I might be able to accept about myself. And just as I believe more and more that I will (one day soon) feel as good about myself as I ever did, I know that what he has ignored and denied in this will still eventually be dealt with at his expense. And I guess that's going to be enough.Posted by kati at 06:24 PM