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November 28, 2003

Explain it to me

Like at Christmas, I once again realize how the addition of alcohol to mandatory family functions can really liven things up. Having finally been let into that club, I understand that my family has been getting sloshed without me for years - which is why, I assume, they don't mind getting together. This most recent holiday featured all New Zealand guests, and if anyone knows how to put away the liquor, it's them.

The brevity of my visit lent itself to me feeling a little overstimulated. I wanted to see everyone I was missing, but there was no time, and I had obligations to my family. For once, I believe that I actually fulfilled those obligations. I am a wayward black-sheep family member, and I imagine it will take many more Thanksgivings and the like before I am anything else. I screwed some things up when my brother died, and my filial attrition will be a long time coming. Still, at least I can have a drink while I'm putting in the time. That helps.

It's also tricky (for me at least) to see people for just minutes at a time. It's almost harder than not seeing them at all, because it simply refreshes my longing to have more time with them. I guess that's stupid, but it feels true. It doesn't stop me from trying to see them, though. I still miss them enough that I would be angry with myself for not trying.

Coming up is always exciting, but I leave a little sadder, a little confused about where my home really is. It's a feeling I don't understand, and don't really like, but I can't do anything about it. I must remember that it is better that I got to see anyone at all, even if it's just for a minute. Even if it hurts a little. It's still worth it.

Thankfully, I have tech for a show and much schoolwork to occupy my time in the immediate. Tech will be fun, schoolwork will not. But it's something to do. It's something to alleviate the stinging behind my eyes and my urge to kidnap people and selfishly keep them in my closet so they'll always be there. I'm no good when I am just sitting around. I prefer to be a busy girl. Less psychotic that way. And that helps, too.

Posted by kati at November 28, 2003 06:16 PM

Comments

Posted by: Alan at December 5, 2003 03:24 PM