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December 25, 2003

A Christmas Conversation

"Open my eyes. Tell me the truth for once, and help me to open my goddam eyes."

It seems fitting, in my warped and sadistic mind, that the Yuletide season would be that in which I come to question the very nature of man. Or, at least, my perception of the aforementioned topic.

Perhaps it is best to say that I have been exploring, or endeavoring to discover and understand why it is that we interact with one another the way we do. I have of late been confronted with numerous examples of faithless, untrustworthy, essentially yucky folks ...

Oh fuck that. That isn't what I mean.
It's important to remember that, in this instance, I don't actually know what I mean, so it's quite possible that I will fail to make any sense of it.

What I'm trying to say is (albeit completely ineloquently):

Part of me feels like people suck. "Man" is just a big ugly animal, myopic and unconcerned with anything but itself. Compassion is a joke. Trust is complete bullshit. And love is something that was created for the purpose of helping this particular animal dupe other animals and get what it wants.

Part of me feels like it can't possibly be that easy to generalize and condemn. That there have to be exceptions to the rule. That people really can love one another, or trust. That it isn't a waste of time to try.

Clearly, I'm a little conflicted on the subject.

What I do know is that I still want the latter to be true. I want to be able to be open, and experience people. I want to let people experience me. I want to learn, and share, and interact ... and all that good stuff we're supposed to be able to do.

I also know that I can't always. That there are lines I will be unable to cross, regardless of my efforts. I know that I can't expect other people to behave in any certain way. And I know that by putting myself out there I am at risk, for attack or judgment or any of the unspeakable ills that we crazy fucked up people are capable of.

So I guess the conflict is that part of me is willing to risk it, and part of me is not. Part of me is ready to take the good with the bad, and part of me would rather play it safe and skip both. I'm half an unreasonably hopeful optimist, and half a total cynic. The optimist in me sees the cynic as a waste, as ugly and as shallow as the rest. The cynic sees the optimist as an idealistic twit. And boy, right now those two are having it out.

But I am happy to have gotten a new perspective on some old thoughts this Christmas morning (very early morning). I still don't understand much, if anything, and have innumerable questions that are crowding my brain, making it difficult to see anything clearly. There's too much. TOO MUCH!

But I appreciated the candor. And what I perceived as honesty. I say "perceived" because I feel unsure that I can trust my assessment of other people these days, or trust that I'm not being deceived at every turn. I guess that's the cynic at work.

But if honesty really does still exist, and sincere interaction is still actually possible in some form, then maybe the idealistic twit has a leg up.

And maybe tomorrow I'll feel totally differently.

Posted by kati at December 25, 2003 03:09 AM


Ladies and gentlemen, the moving musings of Kati V!
Are we big dumb animals, yes. Are we capable of all the unmeritable acts you spoke of?- Yes!
With all the wonder in your brain, though, is the compassion, the honesty, and the love of that which desires something greater.

Now isn't that settling? Knowing that at *least* ONE of us dumb bastards is aware enough to realize we're missing something?
-Stay true to yourself, and hopefully others will see the differance, and that it's not a waste of time, or "build it, and they will come."

Posted by: Mike at December 27, 2003 02:32 PM