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February 02, 2005

Thank you, Carrie

What Sex and the City may have taught me
about blunders in life and love:

I think, for the most part, that I try to live my life without regret.
And that I'm somewhat successful.
Certainly not without mistakes, often of the monster gaff variety,
but even with all of that, I usually don't feel regretful about what has happened or what I have done in the past.
If anything, my regrets are about the things I did not do
because I was scared, or proud, or stubborn, or silly.
I hate the ways it feels. It gnaws at me; keeps me up.

Only in recent memory have there been such moments.
Where I can feel regret tangibly, like a stone in my stomach or my breath catching in my throat.
My own behavior can set me reeling at the thought of it.
So I try not to think of it, or dwell too much. Or relive.

But sometimes when driving for a long stretch in my truck,
or taking mental inventory in a hot shower,
my mind strays. I can't help it.

In these moments, I always end up thinking about Carrie Bradshaw.
About those ponderous lovelorn thoughts that come with an attempt at
"Single and Fabulous"
(Which I think usually also means: neurotic, and a bit of a lush).

I think about Carrie,
her innumerable social blunders
wild nights out, bad luck with guys. Stupidity.

I think about how she dwells on it a little
inevitably surveys her close friends for a damage report
has a cigarette, stares out the window
sums the conundrum up concisely on her blue computer screen
and then, I suppose, she moves on.

So thanks, Carrie.
You remind me that we can always get up the next morning.
We're going to fuck this up sometimes, and that's just what is.
Life goes on and we go with it.

And thanks to the real characters in my life-
who remind me of the same things,
-that it's not all over town, or as bad as I think.
And who hold up a mirror when reflections get distorted.

Posted by kati at 04:36 PM